hi

I don't know why all of us sudden I'm feeling a bit sad. But I guess I am just being honest right now. For some reason, I just REALLY want to escape from every situation I've been thrown into at this point . Maybe that is selfish of me...I don't know. I just feel like nothing is the same anymore. I feel disappointed in myself for a lot of things and at the same time I feel some sort of indignation that I've been placed into situations that are beyond my control (or maybe they are, and I am just weak and whiny)....that yields to even more problems and more reasons to beat myself up. I just feel like I'm not strong enough and my mind is just a big ball of confusion. Especially graduating....Yes, I am happy that I'm done...but at the same time, I'm so disappointed in myself because I feel like I could've tried so much harder. But I wonder, even if I did try harder, would my work even come out THAT much better? I am so unhappy with my thesis project. I let my emotions get in the way of my work habits and schedule this semester and I just could not find a way to push myself past it. But the thing is, it's not even JUST this senior year. It has been this way during all 3 years in my major. I push myself and I get really motivated, but my brain is just stupid and uncreative and my final work turns out to be..so dumb. It's like constant writer's block that you never get past. I swear my professors only give me good grades because they see the effort that I put into my work and design process and they pity me, despite the stupidity of my final design. It sounds like I'm being way too hard on myself, but it is true. I'm usually a really driven person and set up all these goals for myself and I get so excited, but it's like I lack the ability to achieve them. You know how some people are just naturally smart/intellegent? So many of my friends are like that....I see them work really hard and struggle and complain and whine to me, and their work turns out amazing. And I'm just like..."ok...I'm not listening to you next time you whine about your work." This is a silly analogy but its like a super skinny person telling a chubby friend, "I'M SO FAT. I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT." Me being the chubber....

Maybe I'm feeling this way because my senior show is tomorrow...and everyone is inviting themselves. (which I am so thankful for...having people who care enough to come). But at the same time, I don't want anyone to see my work. I am so ashamed. What I have up there is only like 30% of what I worked on all year...and it's such a shallow depiction of what I wanted to do. Even my family has no idea what my work is about. So what I plan to do is show everyone my work first so that they can forget about it, and then give them the tour of the rest of the show around campus, showing them my friends' amazing work. I'm excited for the show, seeing all my friends and sharing in the joy of exhibited our work, inviting outside friends to my school, etc, but I'm afraid for the disappointment that I may feel tomorrow and having to hide it and pretending to be joyful for my guests. I don't think anybody will understand my project...because it's not me drawing pretty pictures or building fancy models....I think I tried to tackle way too much than I could have possibly handled. I'm going through a quarter life crisis. I is sorry....

I think I just need time to myself. I'm too reliant on other people. It's so lame...figure things out on my own.

I'm SO HUMAN.