DC snapshots

10.22

first things first. I WON AN AUTOCAD TSHIRT AT THE AUTODESK CONFERENCE. BY FAR THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY. =]



but its X-LARGE, so I look ridiculous in it. I think I'll give it to Pastor Kenny.





And then I went to the national gallery with myself. It was fun.




The end.

My source of strength

How come people say that Christians only choose to believe in God because they use this concept of "God" as a "crutch", something to fall back on when we can't deal with pain, or because we want to hope for something more? As if this didn't further prove the existence of God? Doesn't this show us HOW much we need him? Of course...for our sinfulness, we need a Savior....but along with that, God promises us his comfort and his unchanging, unconditional love. Reading 1 John with the Shalominator....is just so comforting. Why does God keep commanding us to love? Because...He loved us first. The whole Bible, is all about God...and what kind of God that is in control of our lives. How comforting is it to know that we have a loving and compassionate God on our side? He loves and comforts us among our deepest pains and our biggest fears, even when we don't deserve it.

Amongst suffering, all I know is that God is faithful. He's my only source of strength and my only reason to hope.

I'm so thankful for my younger brothers/sisters in Christ. You guys make me so happy...it's weird.

Won't you join us on our journey?

www.andGandME.blogspot.com

1 John 1

I realized that I don't have the password to the andGandme blog that you made, Shalom. Err...yea. :)

Anyway, I know going a chapter a day may seem slow, but I want to dig deep into each passage...whatever that means. hehe. I kinda hope nobody reads this. -_- But I'm doing this because I love you. Asked Joe how to go about doing this: Put it in context, find out what it means to you personally, and apply...am I right, FRIEND? (:

Reading the introduction in my bible on the background of 1 John, the Christian faith seems to be only 50-60 years old when John wrote this. A generation had grown up in Christian homes and a subculture was already developing. People knew all the Christian "lingo", using phrases like, "knowing God," "walk in the light," "born of God"....etc....yet they seemed to have adapted new and distorted meanings. The book of 1 John is John's response to all of this. "He was fighting vigorously against whatever might corrupt the faith that had inspired him for so many years," says my student bible.

so..........sound familiar? Yes'm. Especially for those of us who grew up in Christian homes all our lives. I see it in myself as well as the youth my church. I go to a big church with like...200(? uhh i may be overestimating. but w/e) youth kids, and as I get to know them better, I love them and see them as so precious. It seems that at Bible study and church meetings, they know what is expected of them, and they know all the right things to say. Yet, outside of church....its "random" and "awkward" to talk about anything related to God. I definitely went through this phase and just recently broke out of it. Why do some of us have two different identities? As if our Christian identity is reserved for just church....and it has no business in any other part of our lives? Shoot, I find it so strange that even AMONGST church friends, it's awkward to talk about God. Isn't that weird? Yes, it is.

Okay, into the passage....v.1-2 ".....we have heard....we have seen....The life appeared; we have seen it and testify to it, and we proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and has appeared to us." John HEARD and SAW Christ...he's not just telling us a passed-down story. He experienced him first hand. And I love how he describes Christ. Not just a man, but THE life...the ETERNAL life. He was always with the Father from the beginning. Christ was always there...and through Him everything was created. I think that's pretty cool.

v.5-10 talk about "Walking in the light". Okay, so from v.5-7, John describes God as "light" and that "in Him there is no darkness at all". If our identity is in Christ, we must walk in the light. In fact, if we are chosen by God, and we call Jesus, Lord, then it comes as a package. inevitably. hehe. Get it? We don't really have a choice. I'm not sure exactly what he means by walking in the light, but he does proceed to say that "we will have fellowship with one another....and the blood of Jesus...purifies us all from sin". Can you relate to that? You always say how you want to go to a Christian school, right? Because you don't know many Christians at your school? It's because you know the joy of just being in the company of friends who believe and share that same love for God. That does not mean that because they love God, they are all spotless little angels and it feels like we've died and gone to heaven. But, the fact that we are ALL sinners, yet it is by Christ's blood alone that we can rejoice TOGETHER as one, is almost like a glimpse of heaven. The closest thing to heaven on earth. Without Christ, how could we possibly experience this kind of fellowship?

We have to understand the magnitude of our sin. v.8 "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us". Yes, we always hear at retreats...the usual altar call, or the sinner's prayer (is that what its called?), "repent of your sins, ask for forgiveness"....but it has to be a daily thing. Not a one time thing. It's true that once we accept Christ, "he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness," but we have to remember that confessing our sinfulness is a continual thing. Every single day we have to know that we NEED Christ because we are dirtier than we could ever fathom. I wish I could come up with cool analogies. but...I can't. sorry. hehehe.

Anyway, let's pray continually that God will show us just how broken, how sinful we are, so that we could lift Christ higher---understanding that his death came at such a high price....and to realize that we were the ones that crucified him.

We need to love one another, despite our differences, because we are aaaallllll purified in Christ. All of our worth was made by Him and Him alone. None of us are perfect. Pray for each other and learn to love selflessly as Christ loved us.

Sharome<3

I am not the angi of your dreams

I realized something today.

For the first time (in a very long time), I thought, "Wow, I actually don't want to talk about it." Whatever this "it" may be, I just don't feel like talking it out to another human being. Believe it or not, this is a really new feeling for me. If you know me well, you will know that I am very open with my feelings, I am quick to trust others, and have a tendency to confide in people(including close friends and acquaintances, random individuals) about my struggles. And if you are reading this, I do not doubt that at one point in our lives I have selfishly blabbed on about something personal...or stupid..pointless....to you. But now it feels like nothing is making sense in my head, therefore, how can I convey it to another person? Either that or I am too ashamed of what that "it" is. Scared to be known by people, perhaps?...which is ironic because I'm writing my thoughts out in a somewhat public, easily accessible blog.

This blog is transforming into a public emo blog. I am so emotion driven. While in my state of emotional insanity, I started questioning whether it makes sense for Christians to suffer from depression (NOT that I am depressed...). So, I went on christiananswers.net (woohoo for jaydeesn's influence) and was reminded that as Christians, we base life on truth rather than our emotions. That despite how we feel, we are still commanded to rejoice and be joyful. And I think to myself, what a God, that he would command this of us! He commands us not to worry, not to be anxious, and to be happy all the time. And it's not like He commands us this for no reason, nay, these commands provide us with an assurance that we worship a God who keeps his promises and that we have a security and hope in Him alone. I would rather lose the things that are valued by this world in order to gain Christ.

I don't know why, but this post took me like an hour to write. I am not so much with the words....Thanks for reading.

I really love you guys.

Why am I trying to earn grace

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

By Your Side--Tenth Avenue North

RENEW!

Retreat promo video by James Ro and I:



weeeee....hehehe....

hi

I don't know why all of us sudden I'm feeling a bit sad. But I guess I am just being honest right now. For some reason, I just REALLY want to escape from every situation I've been thrown into at this point . Maybe that is selfish of me...I don't know. I just feel like nothing is the same anymore. I feel disappointed in myself for a lot of things and at the same time I feel some sort of indignation that I've been placed into situations that are beyond my control (or maybe they are, and I am just weak and whiny)....that yields to even more problems and more reasons to beat myself up. I just feel like I'm not strong enough and my mind is just a big ball of confusion. Especially graduating....Yes, I am happy that I'm done...but at the same time, I'm so disappointed in myself because I feel like I could've tried so much harder. But I wonder, even if I did try harder, would my work even come out THAT much better? I am so unhappy with my thesis project. I let my emotions get in the way of my work habits and schedule this semester and I just could not find a way to push myself past it. But the thing is, it's not even JUST this senior year. It has been this way during all 3 years in my major. I push myself and I get really motivated, but my brain is just stupid and uncreative and my final work turns out to be..so dumb. It's like constant writer's block that you never get past. I swear my professors only give me good grades because they see the effort that I put into my work and design process and they pity me, despite the stupidity of my final design. It sounds like I'm being way too hard on myself, but it is true. I'm usually a really driven person and set up all these goals for myself and I get so excited, but it's like I lack the ability to achieve them. You know how some people are just naturally smart/intellegent? So many of my friends are like that....I see them work really hard and struggle and complain and whine to me, and their work turns out amazing. And I'm just like..."ok...I'm not listening to you next time you whine about your work." This is a silly analogy but its like a super skinny person telling a chubby friend, "I'M SO FAT. I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT." Me being the chubber....

Maybe I'm feeling this way because my senior show is tomorrow...and everyone is inviting themselves. (which I am so thankful for...having people who care enough to come). But at the same time, I don't want anyone to see my work. I am so ashamed. What I have up there is only like 30% of what I worked on all year...and it's such a shallow depiction of what I wanted to do. Even my family has no idea what my work is about. So what I plan to do is show everyone my work first so that they can forget about it, and then give them the tour of the rest of the show around campus, showing them my friends' amazing work. I'm excited for the show, seeing all my friends and sharing in the joy of exhibited our work, inviting outside friends to my school, etc, but I'm afraid for the disappointment that I may feel tomorrow and having to hide it and pretending to be joyful for my guests. I don't think anybody will understand my project...because it's not me drawing pretty pictures or building fancy models....I think I tried to tackle way too much than I could have possibly handled. I'm going through a quarter life crisis. I is sorry....

I think I just need time to myself. I'm too reliant on other people. It's so lame...figure things out on my own.

I'm SO HUMAN.

RAIN!!!

I was supposed to go the beach today. I was supposed to be there right now. But nay, it is raining. I was so sad. It's okay. I will go another day. I have nothing valuable to say. I just haven't updated in one month. ohhhh NOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooo

Shalom, I'm so glad you have texting!! You make my days brighter with your POOP texts and such....

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

-Proverbs 31:30

Hematidrosis

Hematidrosis is a very rare condition in which a human being sweats blood. It may occur when a person is suffering extreme levels of stress--for example, facing his or her own death.

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The story of our Savior. How do I even begin to fathom this?

Break from Thesis.

Title is misleading. I've been "breaking" from thesis this whole past academic year until now. I'm SUCH a slacker. I just ate a tuna sammich and im really full. I will now continue to write this blog entry and then proceed onto working on thesis until 3AM in studio. :) sounds GOOOOOOooooooooooood.

So many things go through my mind while I'm driving. I always plan to write about it, but then I forget like 93% if it. How unfortunate...kinda.

But anyway, I was talking to one of my good friends and he told me that I should read the book, When People are Big and God is Small. The title says it all....Something that I really struggle with is relying way too much on my friends. And although I know that God has placed them in my life for good reason, I know that He should ultimately be the one that I depend on for everything in my life. There is only so much that my friends could offer me. (that is a duh). But sometimes, I don't know...I just can't seem to shutup. I come to realize that I crave so much comfort from others, and at the moment I just pour out everything, presenting them with every single detail, just because it provides immediate relief and it makes me feel good at the time. But afterwards, I regret it and I end up feeling emptier. (so DRAMATIC I KNOWWW)....such a drama king. It's not that I can even blame them you know? Because it's my own fault for entrusting them with so much of...myself. It's really bad. Almost like an addiction.

I know that confiding in people that you trust is not a bad thing at all, and that some people definitely have insightful/helpful things to say...but at the same time we are such fallible beings. I let so much of what other people think, no matter how biased/uninformed/flawed their opinions are, affect my own way of thinking. I'm so IMPRESSIONABLE. ugh. It's like, I don't even listen to myself, and what I know to be true, and I don't listen to what God is trying to tell me. But at the same time, it is true that God uses other people to speak to..people. So how do you distinguish between God's voice and just another human thought? Not to mention, it is so easy to get hurt when you put yourself out there. Which comes to my next thought...

How important is BLOOD relation? Just because someone is biologically related to you, does it mean that he/she is more obligated to love you than a friend who deeply does care about you? Obviously, everybody has a friend(s) who knows more about them than say...a sister/brother/cousin/bleh. But even so, maybe we expect something more from someone who is related to us, just because of biologically relation? Just because it's expected? Does it mean that just because I grew up with this person, we share the last name or same grandmother or same mother, that he/she should have this innate distinct special love for me? Is this "love" stronger than the love of a friend who hadn't grown up with you or shares that BLOOD line with you, yet is always there for you no matter what and probably knows you better than anyone else? I sound so bitter huh? I am bitter. I keep running the phrase "Because God forgave us, we should forgive those who hurt us." but you know as well as I do, that it is so hard....It is one thing to get hurt by a friend or even a stranger...but family? (and don't worry...I speak not of my sister. She remains awesome in my book and loves me unconditionally even if i fart in her face and pick her nose and give her wet willies....she still buys me my favorite cereal and clothes that she sees that remind her of me.)

Uh..but anyway. We are so sinful. Relying on people means relying on sinful beings. Unless they give solid Biblical advicessss. :) And offer prayer. :) :) So I have really been trying hard to SHUT MY FACE. And this whole thing with PEOPLE being BIG.....leads to so many problems....

craving love from others...when God's love should suffice...exceed...
relying on others rather than God for direction.
fearing judgment from others...when really only God can judge.

I think we really underestimate God sometimes ('sometimes' is an understatement). Did Jesus judge the Samaritan woman with all them husbands? No. Did he judge the woman who was caught in adultery? No.

When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"

"No one, sir," she said.
"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."

John 8:7-11


Then how do we as sinners judge one another? Seems ridiculous and foolish and so arrogant....No servant is greater than his Master.

I have been told that I "abuse" the phrase, "I love you" too much. Bleh....I mean...I can't help it. Sometimes I just get that rush of LOVE in my heart for someone. Even if I don't know that person that well. Apparently, it is also easier to get hurt that way. My Fajah told me that my mom is like that. But then, didn't God call us to love everyone?

Let's be imitators of Christ!

Oh, and I will start putting my thesis stuff up. Just for self-reference...preparing for final presentation...getting my thoughts together.......and for yew guyses (if you are interested. :D)


entry is sooo long again. I apologize and thank whoever read it all....

I am Thesis.

Thesissssssssssssssssssssssssssss is taking over my LIFEEEEE!!!


I can't wait to graduate!!! kind of... :D

An entry with substance. I bet you all who have begged me to update will not even finish reading this ridiculously long entry.

Hola chicas!

Tis a loverly Saturday mornin and I have a buttload of work ahead of me. :( Can I just ramble on with whatever is going on in my brain? I always get so anal about my writing, like it has to be wonderfully composed and coherent...even for my own private personal emo blog. But...I will be A.D.D for this blog. yay.

It's been approximately 4 months since I started going to Church of Philippi. My initial thoughts? I loved it because they were so welcoming and loving to my sister and I when we first visited. I just could tell that their kindness and hospitality came directly from their love for Christ. You know how sometimes you can just see Christ IN some people? They just GLOW!! and it's so awesome. The love and joy they receive from Christ is so apparent just in their smile and the way they talk--bringing glory to Him. I really hope that I can be like that one day. Truly Christ-like. But, ALAS, that is a goal that is forever set until the day we DIEE(and be with Christ)!!! I said "Christ" like 23 times in this paragraph so far.

Although I didn't really realize it til later, the period from when my old home church dissipated into nonexistance and up to my first couple months adjusting to my new church, I was really broken...spiritually. I started becoming distant from God, very bitter, and really lacking in true fellowship with my family in Christ. I started becoming dependent on my friends with whom I did not have that foundation in Christ. Yes, they were there for me and listened to me(which I am wholly thankful for), but something was lacking. I was bitter towards God, blaming him for my spiritual dryness. Kind of like a, "What do you expect? You took my church away from me. And I have no Christian friends or spiritual leaders to pray for me and keep me accountable. You put me in this situation. What am i supposed to do?". That just shows my tendency to constantly try to free myself from any blame. Like, as if I did nothing wrong. I was selfish and my heart was stubborn. I slowly allowed myself to break away from dependency on God and convinced myself that I didn't need to feel guilty about it (was weird...and not good). Buttttt....things changed, God had mercy on my stupid heart and stupid brain and stupid hormones, and he took me back. Amazing, but not surprising right? Because that is our God. We think we fall deep, but He manages to always remind us of how loving and merciful He is....and...that we berong to HIMMM. OOOO a verse!! a biblical reference!!! yo yo check it..

"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand, I and the Father are one." John 10:27-30

I remember ingraining this verse into my head when I first read it in high school. Everytime I was struggling with my faith, I would remember this verse, and it of course still slaps me back into shape to this day. For the past year and a half, I've been following this QT book which focuses on really knowing who Christ is. And I'm constantly in awe of what a loving and amazing and humble (are there any words that exist in the english vocabulary to describe the very image of Christ?) God we serve. it makes me want to do this : ajksHDLKASHDAUWHDLIWUDHHVIUWLEYV**B&LV&#$$VAL*VB&*ALVBO*WBLV*A&WVOAUDLHVAO*H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The QT devotional book is mainly centered around the four gospels, and words spoken directly by Christ. Anyway, why wouldn't anyone want to be Christlike? i know its hard...WAYYYY harder than it sounds, but it should be a joy to follow a God that displays such sacrifice, humility, love, purity, etc etc etc!! a GOD like that!! imagine that!! okay. sorry. I was trying to talk about my church, but I got sidetracked. (but in a good way, i guess?) tehe.

OKAY!!! so, we have established that God is GOOD(xinfinity). But, nevertheless, Satan is still annoying and constantly attacking us in his gay ways (whoooops....excuse my language!). I'm not going to lie and maybe I am saying too much....but, although I feel like I have truly found a home at Philippi (weeeee~), it's still a struggle and it become quite obvious that Satan just does not want things to be rainbows and butterflies.

If you know me, you KNOW that I have this insatiable need for everybody to love me (it's selfish i know, but it's my insecure sensitive hormonal needy weakness..). If you know that, then you will also know that I am lacking in a close sister(s) in Christ to keep me accountable. And although I really love my brothers, I'm starting to learn (yes, stupidly JUST starting) that it is not wise to get too close to the opposite sex...even if the friendship is Christ-centered. Gosh, I'm so dumb and naive. IN ANY CASE, I am really trying to find a sisterly friendships at Philippi and I have already gotten to know such awesome sisters. It's just a matter of me being more aggressive, persistent, and annoying in demanding their attention and making them partake in some quality hangoutage time with me. I think I just need to be myself. I tend to be too careful around girls and adding that extra layer of niceness just so that they will accept me. (see, with guys, I don't care. its like...ACCEPT ME OR DIE!!! lol.jk.) I will be on these Philippi girls like WHITE ON RICE. (creepy? s'okay). no, but please pray for me. Its really something I need. I do love girls, I really do. Boys smell.

This spring break was soooooo unproductive! Things I should have done but failed to do:

• Resume/portfolio update
• Commencement exhibition application
• HARDCORE THESIS WORK
• Presentation research
• NDC stuff

but i did......

• buy lipgloss
• play with KT
• go to Helping Up Mission for the first time in like a month!! wee!!! fun funfun
• eat samgyupssahl for the first time in 1.33 years.
• female bondings in the bathroom
• eat lots of cheese
• listen to Sara Bareilles, "Gravity", repeatedly nonstop for 3 consecutive days
• serenade Hubert on the guitar
• displayed gluttonous behavior even when I was not hungry

YEAYUH SPRING BREAK!!! it's over soon. :(

Shalom. Andy. I will send your letters. soon-ish.

Blueberries

So, I think that blueberries are pretty much the best things ever created. I ate a whole box last night at like 1AM...and I don't have to feel guilty because they have GREAT nutritional quality!! ANTIOXIDANTS!! holler.....Sweet potatoes also are ranked #1 in nutritious foods of the world.

Sorry Joe, am i wasting space on your google reader? :(

Shalom-What do I write about? Help me. I live in a world of blueberries and sweet potatoes...It's the only thing i know...

Andrew-keep your word, son.

Shalom

I made this blog 22 minutes before my deadline. MUHAHAHAHA

I will update whenever I can. Aiiites Shalom??

<3 <3 <3