Tis a loverly Saturday mornin and I have a buttload of work ahead of me. :( Can I just ramble on with whatever is going on in my brain? I always get so anal about my writing, like it has to be wonderfully composed and coherent...even for my own private personal emo blog. But...I will be A.D.D for this blog. yay.
It's been approximately 4 months since I started going to Church of Philippi. My initial thoughts? I loved it because they were so welcoming and loving to my sister and I when we first visited. I just could tell that their kindness and hospitality came directly from their love for Christ. You know how sometimes you can just see Christ IN some people? They just GLOW!! and it's so awesome. The love and joy they receive from Christ is so apparent just in their smile and the way they talk--bringing glory to Him. I really hope that I can be like that one day. Truly Christ-like. But, ALAS, that is a goal that is forever set until the day we DIEE(and be with Christ)!!! I said "Christ" like 23 times in this paragraph so far.
Although I didn't really realize it til later, the period from when my old home church dissipated into nonexistance and up to my first couple months adjusting to my new church, I was really broken...spiritually. I started becoming distant from God, very bitter, and really lacking in true fellowship with my family in Christ. I started becoming dependent on my friends with whom I did not have that foundation in Christ. Yes, they were there for me and listened to me(which I am wholly thankful for), but something was lacking. I was bitter towards God, blaming him for my spiritual dryness. Kind of like a, "What do you expect? You took my church away from me. And I have no Christian friends or spiritual leaders to pray for me and keep me accountable. You put me in this situation. What am i supposed to do?". That just shows my tendency to constantly try to free myself from any blame. Like, as if I did nothing wrong. I was selfish and my heart was stubborn. I slowly allowed myself to break away from dependency on God and convinced myself that I didn't need to feel guilty about it (was weird...and not good). Buttttt....things changed, God had mercy on my stupid heart and stupid brain and stupid hormones, and he took me back. Amazing, but not surprising right? Because that is our God. We think we fall deep, but He manages to always remind us of how loving and merciful He is....and...that we berong to HIMMM. OOOO a verse!! a biblical reference!!! yo yo check it..
"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand, I and the Father are one." John 10:27-30
I remember ingraining this verse into my head when I first read it in high school. Everytime I was struggling with my faith, I would remember this verse, and it of course still slaps me back into shape to this day. For the past year and a half, I've been following this QT book which focuses on really knowing who Christ is. And I'm constantly in awe of what a loving and amazing and humble (are there any words that exist in the english vocabulary to describe the very image of Christ?) God we serve. it makes me want to do this : ajksHDLKASHDAUWHDLIWUDHHVIUWLEYV**B&LV&#$$VAL*VB&*ALVBO*WBLV*A&WVOAUDLHVAO*H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The QT devotional book is mainly centered around the four gospels, and words spoken directly by Christ. Anyway, why wouldn't anyone want to be Christlike? i know its hard...WAYYYY harder than it sounds, but it should be a joy to follow a God that displays such sacrifice, humility, love, purity, etc etc etc!! a GOD like that!! imagine that!! okay. sorry. I was trying to talk about my church, but I got sidetracked. (but in a good way, i guess?) tehe.
OKAY!!! so, we have established that God is GOOD(xinfinity). But, nevertheless, Satan is still annoying and constantly attacking us in his gay ways (whoooops....excuse my language!). I'm not going to lie and maybe I am saying too much....but, although I feel like I have truly found a home at Philippi (weeeee~), it's still a struggle and it become quite obvious that Satan just does not want things to be rainbows and butterflies.
If you know me, you KNOW that I have this insatiable need for everybody to love me (it's selfish i know, but it's my insecure sensitive hormonal needy weakness..). If you know that, then you will also know that I am lacking in a close sister(s) in Christ to keep me accountable. And although I really love my brothers, I'm starting to learn (yes, stupidly JUST starting) that it is not wise to get too close to the opposite sex...even if the friendship is Christ-centered. Gosh, I'm so dumb and naive. IN ANY CASE, I am really trying to find a sisterly friendships at Philippi and I have already gotten to know such awesome sisters. It's just a matter of me being more aggressive, persistent, and annoying in demanding their attention and making them partake in some quality hangoutage time with me. I think I just need to be myself. I tend to be too careful around girls and adding that extra layer of niceness just so that they will accept me. (see, with guys, I don't care. its like...ACCEPT ME OR DIE!!! lol.jk.) I will be on these Philippi girls like WHITE ON RICE. (creepy? s'okay). no, but please pray for me. Its really something I need. I do love girls, I really do. Boys smell.
This spring break was soooooo unproductive! Things I should have done but failed to do:
- Resume/portfolio update
- Commencement exhibition application
- HARDCORE THESIS WORK
- Presentation research
- NDC stuff
but i did......
- buy lipgloss
- play with KT
- go to Helping Up Mission for the first time in like a month!! wee!!! fun funfun
- eat samgyupssahl for the first time in 1.33 years.
- female bondings in the bathroom
- eat lots of cheese
- listen to Sara Bareilles, "Gravity", repeatedly nonstop for 3 consecutive days
- serenade Hubert on the guitar
- displayed gluttonous behavior even when I was not hungry
YEAYUH SPRING BREAK!!! it's over soon. :(
Shalom. Andy. I will send your letters. soon-ish.
